Tuesday, September 06, 2016

Phir wahi

Aaj kal phir dil e barbaad ki baatein hain wahi
Hum tho samjhe the kuch akl thikhane aayee!

Again today, as is often the case these days, excruciating love thrums up in me. Excruciating, perhaps because it’s too strong a force for my meager heart. Stingy heart, rendered tight, narrow creviced from long years of lazy fears, cleverness and that thing that is me. Being as forceful as it is, it overwhelms me, and there is yet one ungrateful, bratty part of me that puts up a petulant defense.
No, no, indeed it has been a fantastic decade, one I hadn’t even the vision to wish for. I have received more, more, more than I had ever dreamed up. That heart that I just condemned, is exponentially ‘roomier’ than it used to be. But I find I am greedier than that even! I want an infinitely large heart. One that won’t baulk and tremble with a little too much love; that has no room for petulant brats, no room for me. And I find that after a decade, I am still saying the same things…

From a post in 2006 -

When I fear neither distance nor nearness I may reach for you my love
When I absolve me of guilt then I may deserve you already
When I grab no more I may find I have that instance- you
When I am no more I may be you my love
Until then, then I have my love, it is not fearless, or guiltless or other than mine
But I have it and it is yours and it overwhelms me and gives me hope.
Until then, then.