Old wine... etc and a new cocktail

Like so many others I love Faiz's 'raat yun khoyee...’ glides off the tongue beautifully… but something makes me uneasy about it and I did not know what, till I put it down. Here’s the original followed by my take…

Raat yuun dil men teree khoyee huee yaad aayee
Jaise veeraane men chupke se bahaar aa jaaye
Jaise sehraaon men haulay se chale baad-e-naseem
Jaise beemaar ko be-vajha qaraar aa jaaye


Raat yuun khoyee huee teree yaad aayee
Jaise dariya me chupke se lage khaamosh si aag
Jaise pinjre se parinde ko mile falak ki jhalak
Jaise mushkil se jude dil mein daraar aa jaaye


And a recent something…


Hamse kuch kaha nahi, koi gale mila nahi
Yun ho gaya hai sab yahaan, ke apna mamla nahi

Tarq-e-mohabat kyon hua, khuloos jab qayam raha
Daayaron mein jawab ho ye aisa silsila nahi

Kis ne kis se kya kaha, kahan se tha jad-e-fasaad
In sab ka ab hai kya garaz, jab koi gila nahi

Taaron ki taab mein aasmaan tak badte the haath
Jab jab magar mutti khuli, us mein kuch mila nahi

Sab ne mujh se ye kaha asvi tum bhi chale chalo
Par ghar to bahati ret hai unka kaarvan nahi